


To Forgive, Divine

by thegeminisage



Series: I'm Very Definitely Not Writing A Coda For Every Shadowhunters Episode, That Would Be Ridiculous [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Coda, Communication, Episode: s02e20 Beside Still Water, Episode: s03e01 This Infernal Ground, Episode: s03e02 The Powers That Be, Forgiveness, M/M, Missing Scene, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-06 11:38:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14056182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegeminisage/pseuds/thegeminisage
Summary: A long overdue conversation that no one really wants to have. [2.20 & 3.01 Coda]





	To Forgive, Divine

**Author's Note:**

> this a coda to 3.01, which actually mostly addresses the 2B soul sword stuff they're like probably never gonna bring up again, much to my great distress. "it's in the past"? that's IT? c'mon!! so: i decided to just do it myself! this fic contains **spoilers for 3.01 and 3.02**. DON'T say i didn't warn you.
> 
> (sorry to everyone who followed me for one fandom when i keep jumping around. i'm workin on that other stuff, i swear!)

Magnus wins their pool game. As he's reminded Alec once or twice, he's been playing since the game was invented, so he usually does. But Alec's no slouch: they're keeping a tally, and though Magnus stays ahead of him, the margin stays small. Most of the time, Alec can give as good as he gets.

Most of the time.

Tonight Alec can't keep his head in the game. He's too busy thinking about Magnus pretending to be all right when he isn't. He can't get it out of his mind, the future laid before Magnus: seeing client after client, solving one trivial matter after the other, with no more real say in what allegiances and choices his people make going forward. And if _he_ can't picture Magnus as anything but High Warlock, he can't begin to imagine how _Magnus_ feels. Magnus has always been slow to open up, just like Alec. But this is different.

Alec is responsible for this.

Magnus sinks the last ball into the corner pocket with a flourish. "A solid three-game lead," he announces. "You're starting to lag, Alexander. Want to try your luck one more time?"

"I think I'm done for the night." Alec's been so busy with work he's had to spend the last two nights at the Institute. He wants to go back to Magnus's before someone decides they need him for something. He still has plenty of clothes and other things there; he and Magnus weren't even broken up long enough for Magnus to send them back.

Magnus waves his hands to have the cue sticks fly back onto the rack, the chalk blocks stack themselves back on the shelf. "Home it is, then," he says, pecking Alec on the cheek, and Alec's heart leaps a little. It wasn't so long ago Magnus had rightfully tried to shut that very door in his face.

"Home sounds perfect," Alec confesses, and laces his fingers through Magnus's so they can take the portal together.

"You're a million miles away tonight," Magnus remarks after they land back in his loft. He looks Alec up and down, squinting. "Was it something I said?"

No: it's the things he didn't say. Magnus really was going to let Alec walk away from him. All the way to Alicante.

"I'm right here," Alec says. To remind them both: he's not going anywhere. And he takes Magnus's face in his hands and kisses him.

They've only had sex once since Magnus took Alec back, the night they left the Hunter's Moon together. It was needy, fast, and a little desperate on both their parts. Alec laid awake for a long time after, with his arms tight around Magnus and his heart racing in his throat, the heavy reality of how close he'd come to losing Magnus in every way hitting him at last.

That's not normally how it is between them. There's more laughter, more quips and good-natured teasing. Sex is fun, and a little stupid: sometimes bodies behave unexpectedly, there's always a mess, and everyone makes weird faces when they come, even Magnus. That wasn't how Alec expected it to be, but it turns out that when you're close enough to someone else, and comfortable enough with them, none of the awkward stuff matters. It's part of the charm.

Things are nearly normal tonight. Magnus doesn't tease Alec as much, and his smiles don't come as quickly, but they do reach his eyes. But, after it's over, when they're still coming down, and Magnus is laid with his head on Alec's chest and his arm looped around Alec's waist, Alec's arm around Magnus's shoulders is a little too tight, and the shared silence isn't as easy as it used to be. It eats at Alec, knowing what Magnus must be thinking about. He can't let it go.

_I just didn't want you to see me like that._

Alec knows what he has to do. He doesn't like it, but that doesn't make it less necessary. He can't pretend this isn't still sitting there between them.

"Magnus."

Magnus is nearly half-asleep already. "Mmm?"

"I..." Alec licks his lips, nervous. "I want to apologize to you."

Magnus tips his head up to frown at Alec, looking genuinely perplexed. "What for?"

Alec's almost afraid to bring it up. What if it makes Magnus angry all over again? What if reminding him of what Alec did, how much he hurt him, makes Magnus want to change his mind about taking Alec back? "If I had—if I had told you about the sword," he starts, and Magnus's expression shutters closed, "you'd probably still be High Warlock."

One of the first things that drew Alec in to Magnus was his body language. He doesn't just talk with his hands, but speaks with his whole body. A wagged finger here, a toss of an object there; Alec can read his mood in the grace of his footsteps, the grand flourishes he puts on his spells. It's such an unusual, vibrant sort of energy it makes Alec forget how ancient he really is sometimes. Magnus is fluid, and impossibly elegant, and some part of him is always in motion.

It's strange, now, to see him so utterly still.

At last, Magnus drops his face back against Alec's chest. He fights with himself a moment, starting to speak several times and cutting himself off. "Alexander," he sighs, breath blowing warm over Alec's sweat-slicked skin, "you have a lot of integrity. I've always admired that about you. You want to make up for your mistakes. But sometimes—you shoulder more burden than is rightfully yours to bear."

"Sometimes, maybe," Alec admits, thinking of Jocelyn Fairchild, "but not this time." He believes with everything in him that it's important to own up to your choices, and if you make bad ones you have to be willing to accept the consequences, especially as a leader. But an important part of making good choices involves taking the input of the people around you into consideration. Whether it's Izzy offering romantic advice or his parents trying to guide him in running the Institute, Alec's made several big choices with the people close to him in mind—for better or worse. And he played no small part in the choice that led to Magnus's dismissal as High Warlock. What Alec had told him at the time, in deed if not word, was _You can't trust me._ Magnus had only listened.

"I forgave you for not telling me," Magnus says firmly. "I told you it's in the past." There's an edge to Magnus's tone that sharpens Alec's anxiety to a fine point and has his resolve wavering. "It's better if we leave it there."

God, but wouldn't it be easier if Magnus would just yell at him—but he won't even admit he's still sore about it. "It's _not_ in the past." Alec ducks his head to try catch Magnus's eye, but he can't quite make it from this angle. "You forgave me, but you still don't trust me, do you? You didn't tell me that you didn't want me to go to Alicante, and you didn't tell me how upset you were to be replaced as High Warlock."

Magnus's body feels stiff and tense under Alec's hands. "I _told_ you, I just didn't want you to see me like—"

"Like what?" Alec challenges. He lets go of Magnus and sits up so he can really look at him. "Sad?" he asks. "Angry?" He's seen both since Magnus found out he lied about the sword. They'd be nothing new.

There's a long pause, dragged out like the end a lost fight. Magnus won't meet Alec's eyes. "Vulnerable," he admits.

So Alec was right. He drops his gaze and swallows dryly, his heart so much crushed glass beneath his ribs. He thought everything would be perfect once they were together again, all their problems solved, but...

"I get it," he says, voice rough and eyes locked on his knees. His hands clench and unclench—too empty now that he's not touching Magnus anymore. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything. "I wouldn't ask for more than that, you have every _right_ to be angry, and not to trust me, but Magnus, I can't be there for you and we can't work it out if you don't _tell_ me when you're—"

"I don't have any right at all," Magnus cuts in. "It's wrong to tell someone they're forgiven and then shut them out. You either accept an apology or you don't. Anything in-between is just asking for trouble."

Alec's jaw works. "I'm not sure it's that simple." At least Magnus _wants_ to forgive him. He can take some small comfort in that, if not their still-strained silences. "If you need more time—"

Magnus reaches out and puts a finger under Alec's chin, forcing him to look up. Patient but firm; how he's been from the beginning. "I do forgive you," he says, expression serious. "I made that choice because I love you, and I missed having you in my life. And because I _want_ to trust you. Even now, I'd like to think—if it hadn't come from Luke, you would have told me eventually."

Alec can't entertain any such fantasy, not in good faith. "I've always had trouble balancing my duty to the Clave with my personal priorities. You've known that from the beginning."

"And you've made mistakes before," Magnus reminds him. He drops his hand. "Maybe not ones that hit so hard—" He has to cut himself off. It takes him a moment to master himself before he speaks again. "I've said as much before. It's in your nature to try and make things right, no matter what it costs you. _That's_ something I can still count on. Look at you now—you could have let bygones be bygones, but you brought this up just to clear the air."

Alec's throat burns. "Because I don't know how I'm supposed to live with myself when I cost you something so important!"

"It isn't about you at all," Magnus says quietly. "My choices are my choices. You can't take that from me no matter how much you want to. I forgave you for not telling me about the sword _before_ I decided to ally with the Seelie Queen."

"What?" That can't be right. "Then why did you—"

"You're not the only one who has trouble balancing his duty and personal life," Magnus admits dourly. "With so much on the line, I had to be sure I'd make the right calls." His smile is wan. "I didn't, but that's not your fault."

Alec aches for him. He takes one of Magnus's hands in both of his. "It's not all your fault, either."

The look Magnus aims his way is skeptical, but it isn't long before it softens out into something more tender. "You're a good man, Alexander," he says. "I don't want you to torture yourself over this. That doesn't help anyone. It hurt," he says, and his adam's apple bobs as he swallows, "and it was hard, but I have faith you've learned from it. That you'd do things differently now."

" _Yes_ ," Alec says emphatically.

The corner of Magnus's mouth turns up. "When push comes to shove, I'll always want to believe you'll do the right thing." He lays his other hand overtop Alec's. He's still wearing all his rings. "We're not back to normal yet, but I want to be. I think, for now, it's going to have to be enough."

Part of Alec still feels like Magnus should be shouting at him. A bigger part is pathetically weak with relief. "That's a lot more than I deserve."

Magnus raises an eyebrow. "Perhaps," he agrees wryly. "But grudges don't look good on immortals. Trust me, I'd know." His eyes get far away. "Carrying around that kind of resentment, punishing each other by withholding affection—I've been in that kind of relationship. It's enough to sour anyone on love for several lifetimes."

Alec winces. He only knows of one past relationship Magnus speaks of with such bitterness. "Camille?"

Magnus nods, tight and unhappy. "That's not how I want to be with anyone, especially you. It's my choice to move on—just like," he adds, "it was my choice to side with the Seelie Queen."

And they've come full circle. Alec still feels partly responsible, but Magnus is right: he can't take _all_ the blame. "I still wish there was something I could do."

Magnus smiles, shaking his head, and then seems to reconsider. "There is _one_ thing," he says slowly. "I wasn't going to ask, because it's just for moral support, and you'd probably hate it—"

"Not a chance," Alec jumps in, stubborn. "Name it."

Magnus chuckles, brushing a little of Alec's hair away from his eyes. The fondness in his expression is its own kind of benediction; balm to a still-open wound.

They're going to be okay. Alec will see to that.

"How would you like," Magnus asks, "to go to a party with me?"

**Author's Note:**

> originally, i wrote this between the airing of 3.01 and 3.02, and linked to the preview clip i based the last line off of here in the notes. [here's the clip](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2mLY-wrPHA), but i'm thrilled to report it's the one we kicked the ep off with, so this fic actually fits perfectly between the two, and i couldn't be happier. pretend "moral support" here means "piss off my replacement" because i'm sure to magnus it's more or less the same difference
> 
> ps: if you're curious, pool was invented around 1900. so magnus probably has less than a century's head start. not too bad, considering. pps: sorry if this is horrible and full of typos/broken sentences, i kinda just banged it out in a few hours and didn't get a chance to look it over. if you see any, feel free to point them out! i'd really appreciate it!
> 
> i am on tumblr! i make gifs sometimes! [@thedegenerateasexual](https://thedegenerateasexual.tumblr.com/tagged/sh*) if you're over 18 and [@thegeminisage](https://thegeminisage.tumblr.com/tagged/shadowhunters) if you're not. (What are you doing here! Go do your homework!)


End file.
